Jokes and Anecdotes

[Geminidawn]

There a Jokes and Anecdotes Thread on most Sailing Forums but I see none here!

We don’t want any visitors here to think we’re just a serious lot. After a good bout of ply and epoxy work, lofting up, trouble shooting and looking for answers it’s good for the soul sometimes to put the kettle on, sit back and have a good laugh, so I started this thread.

I could ask you to “keep ‘em clean” but I’m not the moderator here so post what you want as long as you’re willing to take the backlash if you happen to offend anyone. Jokes or Anecdotes, one that you’ve heard, things that happened to you or to a third person, if it is funny, and not offensive, share it!

 

Here’s one to get you started:

 

Margret is home making dinner, when Tim arrives at her door.

" Margret, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in; you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband, Shamus?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Margret . When we returned from sailing, there was an accident. "Oh, God no!" cries Margret. "Please don't tell me..."

Well, it wasn’t on the boat but on the way home from the dock. We stopped by the brewery for a pint and that’s when the accident occurred." "Oh, no!" cries Margret. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Margret. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up: "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Margret. He fell into a great swirling vat of Guiness and drowned."

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well," began Tim, with head bowed. "No, Margret... no." "No?" cried Margret.

"Fact is," lamented Tim, "your husband climbed out three times to pee."

[paul anderson]

Why do elephants drink?

To forget.

[Shaun]

Three old men are sitting on a lovely bench in the park, in the sun.
They're lamenting about the ravages of age and how it affects they're bodily functions.

Old Jonny says, "You know boys, I remember when I could pee easily in the morning. Now, I push and squirm and squint and it just dribbles, god I miss being able to pee".

Old Benny says, "Ohh Lordy, I agree, for me it's the other end, it's either like a pelican squirt with a big burp thrown in or trying to shit a brick, and believe me that hurts!".

Old Bazza says, "Well lads, I guess I have been truly blessed 'cose for me, my body still works like clock work, every single day. At five in the morning I relieve my bladder, no pushing at all, it just flows strong and true, pure bliss. At five thirty, I have a bowel movement, it's never too soft and never too hard, just makes me smile. However, I really wish I could get out of bed before six!".

[Geminidawn]

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed for his red shirt. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

[Josh]

This is great..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=JAFQFvSPhQ8&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv...

[Josh]

I used to have a very drunk skipper when i was working on boats in the Whitsundays who would always say:

"Why is the sea blue?"

"Because it's a BOY'S colour!"

[Geminidawn]

Two old sailors are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.' The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I loved her.'

His friend says, 'could be worse I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'

[Josh]

Hahahaa!

[alex]

one picture has more value than 1000 words

[alex]

this is NOT a joke

I found this on Google earth , maybe its the dream for the ultimate Marina investment return , or perhaps the 'Marina manager nightmare" . in any case I cannot imagine how you can go out if you want to go out for a short fishing trip on a sunday afternoon.... 

[Shaun]

Holy crap!!!, it kinda looks like a photo from the news depicting a mass fish kill. Perhaps there was an environmental disaster that broke all their nav gear and they simply, but mysteriously all washed up in this marina.

[Galway Bay]

Holy Cow !!!  as Desperate Dan used to say in the comics I grew up with. Here is a photo of a busy day in Inis Torc harbour .. Fishing boat, Ferry and sailboat share the quay.....